boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
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reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
i spent way too long on this
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
What’s so funny?
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife