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When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore