Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
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home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.