Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.