Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
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My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
those birds must be on payroll
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.