Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
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What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.