I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
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Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!