Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
You Might Also Like
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*