Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
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My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
why does this building look like a guilty dog
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
💁🏻♂️
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂