“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
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I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.