8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
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[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Nothing.