brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
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If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
How times have changed.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait