I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
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If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Bro what is this
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.