No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
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Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700