See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
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Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Not all heroes wear capes…
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
water it, i dare you
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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