All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
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If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.