8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
incredible book dedication
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”