Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
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I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)