Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
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My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.