good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
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ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
The Joker was right
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.