[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
This raises questions
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car