“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
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Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster