I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
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Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me in tagged photos
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.