My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My current situation
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this