My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
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I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.