Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
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This took me a few seconds.. 😅
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I am, perchance
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”