I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
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“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Never let them know your next move 😂
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”