Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
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THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I camp so other people don’t have to.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.