Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
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It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Who chose this font
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries