3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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It’s a gift
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
wut hotdog?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Dolls on drugs
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.