“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
You Might Also Like
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”