“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
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What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
“No way.” -Jose
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*