[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
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Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
OMG 🤣🤣
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?