I’m not lazy
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Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
mumsnet is amazing
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.