The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
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Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Current mood: Potato
*exercises sarcastically*
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping