Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
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ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
What personal space?
My dog
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
A great tip. #CakeRex
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Woke up against my better judgment again
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office