Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
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They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog