Morning.
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I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
how was your vacation
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.