When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
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Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.