afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
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I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on