I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
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Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I have no passwords left in me
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I’m a carb girl, born and bread