age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
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Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]