What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
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I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
saving face 👀
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.