My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
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If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole