Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.