FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
You Might Also Like
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Damn what did I do next
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*