Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
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Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
In case you needed to hear it:
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.