Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
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My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again