“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
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video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
War & Peace
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.