Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.